


Exhale, Kick, and Rise

by queervampire



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Agender Cora, Agender Derek, Coming Out, Derek-centric, Gen, Genderfluid Scott, Mentioned Kate Argent, Mentioned Paige, Pack Mom Melissa McCall, Past Abuse, Past Derek Hale/Paige, Past Kate Argent/Derek Hale, Trans Lydia, Trans Teen Wolf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 09:26:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5158646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queervampire/pseuds/queervampire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>It’s not like Derek is backwards-thinking or anything... His mother had taught his family to always be open to change, so Derek had always been open-minded. But surviving New York with Laura meant he had to get tough, had to lay low, which meant what was different had to be avoided. Even after all those years after, that sort of thing tended to travel with a person.</i>
</p><p>The one where Scott comes out to Derek, setting off a string of events that lead to Derek finally accepting who he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhale, Kick, and Rise

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my first posted fic, written for the Trans Teen Wolf Prompt Exchange! My prompt was "Derek makes some friends who help him with labels and stuff and he finally feels comfortable with himself and his gender". Tumblr post is [here](http://scottysbeta.tumblr.com/post/132708098839/exhale-kick-and-rise).
> 
> Title from [Divers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48xlgXqQKLA) by Joanna Newsom (the lyrics' context are in the end notes). Enjoy!

There’s no such thing as monotony in Beacon Hills. Derek knows this better than anyone else - whether it’s the newest monster of the week, or trying to figure out just what Stiles has put together for his personal pack movie night snack, surprises are always just around the corner to the point where you’re never even surprised anymore, just staring danger in the face and wondering how quickly you can get this sorted out so you can just go home and take a nap.

So when Scott comes to visit one morning and blurts out “I’m not a boy!” after anxiously staring at him for the past ten minutes, Derek really has no right to nearly spit out his coffee.

As he desperately coughs and tries to not choke himself to death in the middle of the loft, he thinks that this isn’t the weirdest thing he’s heard, and that this is probably an overreaction. Especially since Scott’s eyes have gone wide and he (she? they? he really has no idea how this works) reeks of anxiety and looks just about ready to bolt. So Derek collects himself, and says, with his usual unique skill for language, “Uh. So you’re… a girl, then?”

Scott grimaces, and Derek considers whether or not choking on his coffee would have been that bad of a way to go.

“Um, well. Not in the way you’re thinking,” he says, which isn’t helping Derek at all. Scott starts picking at the neon green on his nails, which Derek had just raised an eyebrow at before letting him in. “I mean… sometimes, I’m a girl. Like today, I’m like, one-hundred-percent a girl, and I use she-pronouns, but- a few days ago, I was a boy, and I used he-pronouns. It’s called being genderfluid. My gender just changes a lot, and sometimes I’m not even a boy or a girl, and sometimes I wanna use they pronouns no matter what my gender is, and no, this isn’t a new thing, it’s been going on for _ages_ but I was too afraid to tell anyone about it till now. I already came out to Stiles last week, and I told Isaac and Lydia yesterday, and my mom’s known for more than a year, and I’m gonna tell everyone else later at some point, but- yeah. I wanted to tell you, too. And preferably in private, which was probably a good idea because you look like you’re either gonna faint or yell at me, dude.”

Scott’s nervous little laugh has Derek blinking himself out of the weird confusion and slight headache he was trapped in. “No, not gonna yell, I’m just-” ( _completely lost and maybe a little scared_ , his mind supplies; Derek quietly tells his mind to shut it) “-confused. I mean, I support you, always, Scott. But… I don’t get this at all.”

It’s not like Derek is backwards-thinking or anything. He just tends to keep to himself and the pack most of the time, and he doesn’t use technology much besides watching netflix occasionally with Cora or research, so he’s several years behind how ever far ahead society’s gone without him. His mother had taught his family to always be open to change, so Derek had always been open-minded. But surviving New York with Laura meant he had to get tough, had to lay low, which meant what was different had to be avoided. Even after all those years after, that sort of thing tended to travel with a person.

Scott smiles, small but more genuine, and Derek relaxes a little. “Don’t worry, I get it,” he - _she_ , Derek reminds himself, and honestly it’s a little jarring - says, grabbing her backpack next to the couch and digging through it. “It’s sort of a lot to take in all at once. My mom felt the same way, too, and these really helped.” She dropped a stack of papers onto his lap. It was a mix pamphlets, articles, and print-outs that Derek felt like he was going to be spending a lot of time scratching his head over.

It isn’t until Scott is zipping his - _her, her, god_ damn _it_ \- backpack up and slinging it over her shoulder that Derek realizes he’s been staring at the papers for a little too long. Scott gives him an apologetic smile as she stands. “I really wanna stay and help explain this to you, but I got lacrosse practice, and Coach is sort of getting tired of me skipping practice lately, so I should really get going.” She bites her lip, fiddling with the nail polish again, and slowly backs towards the door.

Derek tries to be reassuring. “Its alright, I get it - it’ll take me a while to get through these, anyway,” he says, holding up the pile and giving his best attempt at a smile. That seems to do the trick; Scott grins and, with a promise of texting him later, _skips_ out the door. Derek can't help but shake his head and sigh fondly.

Some things never change.

* * *

Derek used to paint his nails, when he was little.

Laura (and god, that name would never stop making his chest ache) always ran around with them painted, a different color seemingly everyday, and Derek remembered how he’d always been mesmerised by it. He’d asked her about it after school one day, and she’d been more than happy to show him her whole drawer full of colorful little bottles. Derek had scrunched his nose at the smell when she opened the purple one he’d demanded to try, and Laura just laughed, taking his small hands in hers and painting his nails with practiced precision. It became an almost daily ritual for them; they’d hole up in Laura’s room and clean off old colors, putting on new coats of paint and just talking about anything and everything till the sun went down and the moon was high up in the sky.

It happened less often when Laura started college and Derek went to high school. Laura was busy not only with her classes, but she was also seriously starting her training to become alpha of the Hale pack. Derek, on the other hand, was getting tired of the teasing from his classmates and other wolves - even though no one really messed with him, thanks to his family’s status and him generally being intimidating, the looks and whispered jokes got to him.

He still painted his nails, sometimes, but it was usually reserved to weekends during too-short phone calls with Laura. One time, he’d forgotten to clean them off when getting ready for a date with Paige (another name that ached, but it was getting better, slowly), and hadn’t realized it till she kept looking down at his hands with a weird look on her face. Derek had panicked and tried laughing it off, but Paige just smiled in the way that never failed to make Derek’s legs weak and told him that shade of green was her favorite color.

He ended up loaning her the nail polish the following Monday.

* * *

Then, Kate happened.

She’d whispered promises and lies (all the same, _they were always the same to her_ ) into his ear, telling him that his family didn’t understand him, did they? No, but _Kate_ understood, _she knew him so well, would make him a man_. And Kate’s men didn’t wear nail polish, didn't wear their older sisters' blouses and skirts. They didn’t have to listen to their alphas all the time. Her men were independent, they were strong, they never let her down (even if he had to bite his tongue so hard, blood swelled in his mouth and he screamed in his head so loudly he couldn’t understand how _nobody heard_ ). Kate Argent’s men were fools.

They were all meant to be burned.

* * *

Three weeks after Scott's visit, and one week after he came out to the rest of the pack with plenty of hugs and a couple of tears (especially from Lydia - who Derek soon found out hadn't always been called that, and resulted in a somewhat awkward but acceptance-affirming hug), Derek finds himself knocking at his alpha's door. But it's the day before a big lacrosse game, and they're not here. It's not Scott he came to see, anyway.

There's a muffled shout of _coming, coming!_ from behind the door before he can hear the rustle of fabric and metal being unlocked, and the door is pulled back to reveal a surprised Melissa, fumbling a little with the tie of her robe. "Derek," she says, her voice raising an octave in surprise before she falls into a sneezing fit. She curses after a few moments; Derek can’t help but wince in sympathy, before taking one of the tissue boxes out of the plastic bag in his hand and holding it out to Melissa. She takes it with a murmured “thanks” and stumbles back to let him in.

“Scott’s not gonna be home for a couple hours.” She throws some used tissues into the trash bag by the kitchen, which is basically overflowing. “If you need to talk to them, I can-” Derek just drops the contents of the plastic bag onto the table: two more tissue boxes, cold medicine, cough drops, and a box of chocolates.

Melissa picks up the chocolate and gasps. “Holy shit, you got me _Godiva_?” She waves a hand at the nearest chair, motioning for Derek to sit down, before opening the box and beaming. She takes a bite out of one of the chocolates, moaning appreciatively. “Derek, you’re too kind to me. Extra mom points for you.” He tries and fails to hold back a little smirk of pride.

They end up sharing a few and failing to come up with a reason as to why colds even exist before Melissa closes the box for later. Leaning over the table, she turns to him with a smile and says, "Now, as much as I love your visits, I have a feeling this isn't just to check up on me."

Derek rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "Well, that was part of it." He swallows and tries to figure out how to word the rest, before going with, "Scott came out to me a few weeks ago."

"Yeah, they told me all about it. They wouldn't _stop_ talking about it. Scott was so glad you took it so well, even though you had a lot of questions. It really gave them the courage to finally just come out to everyone else." She tilts her head a bit, and Derek feels like one of her patients she can't quite figure out. "You got something else to ask? I'm no expert, but I can give it a shot."

"That's... sort of the reason, yeah," Derek mumbles, not quite meeting Melissa's eyes.

(He'd been reading when Cora came to him last night, so tense Derek was worried she'd hurt herself. It hadn't gotten any better when she said,  _"Derek, we need to talk."_ He was preparing for the worst when she finally just said the words -  _"I'm not a girl."_  Then ve said _the_ word, what it meant, how Scott and Lydia had inspired vem to finally let it off xyr chest. Ve wanted to go by new pronouns, and wanted to be called Derek's sibling,  _not_  his sister. He accepted Cora with literal open arms, but even after he went to bed long after vem, the word still stuck with him, and now-)

"Um. Have you heard of _agender_?"

Melissa blinks in surprise. "Oh, yeah. I've read about it, it's when you don’t-”

“-don’t have a gender, or just don’t care about it, yeah,” he finishes. There’s a silence for a beat before Derek musters up the courage to mumble, “I think, um. I think that’s me.”

The following silence is almost deafening, and there's blood rushing loudly in his ears; Derek can hear Melissa's heartbeat, which has sped up in surprise, but not as fast as his own. "Oh, _Derek_ ," is all the warning he gets before Melissa's chair screeches back and he's engulfed in her arms. Her chest is right against his ear, and her steady heartbeat reminds him too much of his own mother. Derek can't help but return the hug, shaking despite himself, while Melissa just rubs a hand in comforting circles on his back.

"Thank you," Derek says thickly after they separate, though Melissa keeps one of his hands in hers. She's still sniffling, but he has a feeling its not because of the cold. Derek tries again, but all he can manage is, "I... _Thank you_." Melissa just smiles and squeezes his hand.

They end up eating all the chocolates.

* * *

He tells Cora a few hours after Melissa. He feels like he should probably tell Scott first, since they're his alpha, but Cora is his sibling. It'd feel wrong if ve wasn't one of the first to know.

Cora hugs him tightly (and Derek is starting to become a little out of his element with all the physical affection lately) before they have a long discussion about how Derek came to this realization, how accepting the rest of the pack is, what he wants to do now. It's nice, letting go of a small part of the load on his shoulders, having someone else handle the weight. Someone who understands.

It takes Derek a few days to decide his next course of action. He could come out one by one like Scott did, but that sounds to slow. He just wants to rip the whole thing off like a band-aid, so he makes his decision.

Saturday is Pack Movie Night at the loft. Before they start the movie, Derek squeezes Cora's hand briefly before standing up in front of the pack. They all look at him expectantly, but not unkindly, so Derek just takes a deep breath and says, "I'm agender."

There's a beat before Lydia asks him about pronouns, and Derek explains how he wants to present from now on; how he wants to slowly become more feminine. Malia gives him a congratulatory high-five while Scott welcomes him to the "nonbinary club!", Stiles pops the movie in, Kira tells them all to be quiet and appreciate _"the cinematic masterpiece that is Captain America"_ , and that's it. No mess, no shouting, no disapproval - just acceptance. Derek never really expected any different from his pack.

The next morning, Derek opens the door to find Lydia standing outside with a small wrapped box in her perfectly-manicured hands. Derek raises an eyebrow, and Lydia just rolls her eyes fondly before shoving it into his hands, inviting herself into the loft. Derek closes the door behind her and says, "Not that I don't appreciate surprises, but-"

"Just open it, Derek," she tells him, gracefully collapsing onto the couch and looking at him with a smile on her face. Derek can feel his own lips quirk up as he attempts to tear at the wrapping paper without looking _too_ eager, but when he finally opens the box, isn't sure how to react. There's a few moments of silence as he stares down at the box before pulling out a bottle of purple nail polish, only one of the several colors. _It's just nail polish_ , he tells himself, but he can't help staring at it for a few minutes. By the time he looks back at Lydia, she's twirling her hair with her fingers and reeks of nervousness. Before she can say anything, Derek says, "I love it. Thank you, Lydia."

She grins and the tension is gone. Derek takes a spot next to her on the couch, setting down the box next to him before holding out the purple bottle. "I haven't done my nails in ages," he says, turning to Lydia a little sheepishly. "Do you mind...?"

* * *

Derek stops by the McCall house again, more chocolates in hand. Melissa is finally looking a lot better, and only sneezes once before happily digging into the candy, though they decide to save some for Scott this time. He comes in with Stiles only a few minutes after Derek arrives; Stiles face lights up as they walk into the kitchen and he immediately reaches for a truffle, but Melissa just slaps his hand. Scott snorts. " _Mine_ ," she declares, and drops a white chocolate into Stiles' hand. He holds his free one over his heart, making a face as if he's been truly offended, but happily eats the offering anyway.

Scott leans over and kisses his mom on the cheek, asking her how she's feeling, before turning to Derek and asking how _he's_ doing. "Good," he says, nonchalantly, reaching for another chocolate and trying to show off his nails as unassumingly as possible.

Scott catches on immediately and grins. "Dude, that's a really nice color on you." He grabs his own chocolate before saying, "Y'know, I saw a skirt in that exact color at the mall yesterday."

"Oh, is that the one you were telling me about?" Melissa says, slumping dramatically. "I got that same skirt in another color a couple months ago, but _now_ they go on sale! That's just my luck, honestly." Scott just laughed and headed off to hopefully shower, calling behind him, "Hey, maybe the three of us can go shopping when you get off your morning shift!"

Melissa groans and drops her head into her arms, half-dreading going back to work. Derek can't help but laugh at her dramatics. She just looks up at Derek expectantly, propping her chin on her arm, a smile on her lips. "So. You free tomorrow, Derek?"

He smiles. "Yeah, all day."

**Author's Note:**

> _But how do you choose your form? / How do you choose your name? How do you choose your life? / How do you choose the time you must exhale, / and kick, and rise?_
> 
> I just feel like these lines really fit being trans, and since this fic is about Derek figuring out his gender, I wanted to include them somehow. Ergo my title. :)


End file.
